Building A Man: My Letter To Our Future.

To my adult son, Kelson;

A few years ago I fell in love with a single sentence that Frederick Douglas shared with the world,

"It is easier to build strong children that to repair broken men."

Since the day I read those words, I have viewed our lives as a construction site. I found his views powerfully insightful. It wasn't until recently that I found myself wondering if Mr. Douglas had any children of his own. The older you get, the more irony I find in a sentence that dares house the word "easier" and "children." Being a mother seems to become more complex with every passing minute.

Right now, when I look at you, I see a vibrant, bouncy little boy. You are only 7 years old with your whole life ahead of you. At times I have to fight the urge to grab a hold of you and hum lullabies while rocking you in my arms. I want to beg you to embrace your childhood, to enjoy the sweetness of innocence. I suppose every mother is faced with the inevitable realization that their sons won't be little boys forever. I can't fight nature forever and my denial has proven to be an injustice to both of us. You are becoming an individual. Every day you grow a little more. The child that I have spent the last 7 years falling in love with over and over again is slipping away.

At times I don't recognize you. You have developed your own ideas and your own theories about this world and how you think it should operate. You are still beautiful. You are still creative. Your intelligent imagination still leaves me speechless. Maybe it is because I have been in awe of the intimidating wisdom, far beyond your years, that I stopped being your mother. I stopped trying to teach you because I felt unqualified. Somehow I forgot that you still need me to guide you. We are still building the man this letter is addressed to.

In the midst of our busy lives, we have lost our way. I have allowed you to manipulate me, to use your emotions and my guilt to your advantage. Truthfully, it is impressive (in a dysfunctional way) how well you read my emotions. You are meant for so much better than manipulations, temper-tantrums, excused mediocrity, and a disrespectful sense of entitlement. It is time that I allow you to grow, stop holding on to the memories of yesterday, and build the profoundly successful man that you are meant to be. 

If you are reading this, I hope that it means I did something right.

I hope. 

I hope that you're a man who values morals and genuine kindness. I hope you recognize that expecting people to be good and kind does not make us naive optimists, it makes you the light in a dark world. There will always be people in the world who do not love the way we do. Not everyone has a heart like yours. I hope that I have shown you compassion and that you have chosen to love those incapable of loving you back because they need it the most. I hope that you discovered the healing powers of forgiveness, much earlier in life than I did. Learning to love and pray for those cruelest to us is an invaluable life lesson and will prove to be a tremendous personal strength if you let it.

I hope you've gone through your entire life without ever feeling broken. I've known the painful confusion of being a broken child and have done everything within my power to protect you from such turmoil. You were never broken. I hope you've been able to see how autism changed everything. I pray that you know what a blessing your "disorder" has been. It took several years for me to fully understand the impact that autism has had on all of us. Autism has made everyone who loves you stronger. Autism made you different, yes. It did not make you less, it made you so much more. You are not weak. You are not lost. The miraculous little being that you are is a ray of warm sunlight in a bitterly cold world. 

I hope you've been able to understand that not everything is as black and white as it sometimes seems to you. There such profound beauty in the gray areas of reality and it was be such a shame for you to miss the unseen brilliance one can experience when society's ideas of right and wrong are abandoned. 

I hope that life has brought you answers to all the questions you have about our heavenly father. I pray that you understand the realness of our lord and that you allow him to guide you. Since the moment you came in to this world, I knew that he had immaculate plans for you. Do not ignore his blessings. Do not take his blessings for granted.


I hope that you have taken the time to appreciate Eric. He loves you more than you will ever know. Even when you didn't want to, he made sure to take the time to show you the majestic healing powers found only in nature. If you don't already, someday you will see that the time you spent exploring this beautiful earth with him has become a profound piece of the person you are. He taught you about life and death, love and pain, and you learned to see the beauty that surrounds you in the time you spent with him... all without realizing it. Cherish memories of hunting and fishing trips because, someday, all you'll be left with is memories of your parents.

As a child, there have been many times that it felt like you were incapable of loving us, no matter how much we loved you. I know that you love him. I understand that it was difficult for you to express it as a child but, if you haven't already, find a way to now because the sincerity behind his love and devotion to you is a rare gem in this world. Always be grateful for those who loved you through thick and thin.... the way that I am grateful for you. Don't waste time counting your blessings but don't miss opportunities to appreciate them either. 

Perhaps there is a chance that all my hopes and dreams for your life haven't come true. It is no secret that I have failed as a mother time and time again. I know that I have failed you and I am so very sorry for any pain those failures may have inflicted. But if your life, as my child, has taught you only one thing.... I pray that you have learned to be a man who values honesty with ones self; a man that knows the only true failure in life is becoming a victim of circumstance. I hope that I have shown you that admitting our mistakes, learning to get up when we have fallen, embracing our weaknesses, forgiving ourselves, and continuously seeking personal growth is key to living up to our potential. 

Turning Point.
You probably won't remember what happened... But I will never forget.
I am not sure how it began but Friday, while I was driving you and your sister to your dad's house, you and I began to argue. We fought for nearly 2 hours in the car. It wasn't until after I was alone that I had time to reflect on what happened. We were cruel to each other. We went back and forth, saying things to intentionally hurt one another. I couldn't understand how you could be so angry with me or where you learned to speak that way. Lately you have been incredibly disrespectful but, instead of addressing the behavior the way a mother should, I have made one excuse after another for you.

This must end now.

Someday you will understand. It may seem unfair, but someday you will see why I have to change the way our family run. I no longer can be your best friend, your protector at all times, and your enabler. If I continue to excuse your behavior because of your autism diagnosis, I will only teach you to be a victim of your disorder. We can't allow that. You are too precious.

I can not allow myself to feel guilt for your autism, your childhood, or time spent taking care of myself. It isn't your fault that you have autism.... But it is not my fault either. I won't be punished, by you or myself, anymore. I am teaching you that self-abuse is acceptable. It is not. 

I will hold high expectations for every aspect of your life. And when you fail, when you disappoint me (and you will, we all do)... I will not doubt myself. I will not feel guilt or wonder if I expected too much. Never again will you be congratulated for being "good enough".... Autism isn't going to be our scapegoat anymore. You will be held at a higher standard socially, morally, and academically. You will not be a victim of your circumstances. Together, we will learn to help prosper in a world that doesn't understand autism. We will successfully defy the odds. We will ignore statistics.  Autism has blessed you with a beautiful mind and we will not let it go to waste. 

Things will be much different in our home. Our relationship will not be what it once was... What it never should have been. 

I am your mother and, until the end of time, I will fight for you.... But not against or with you anymore. 

I was a child myself when God sent you here to save me. We've grown up together. You have been an
unimaginable source of strength in my darkest hours. 

It is my turn to save you, to teach you, and to steer you down a path that will lead you to a lifetime of success. 

In 20 years, the man that will read this letter will be a strong, kind, successful human who has contributed great things to our world. 

I love you to the moon and back. 

Love,

Your Mommy 

P.S. You will always be my baby.