Saving Him.

It has taken over a year and a daily conscious effort to rid my heart of the anger and hatred I feel towards autism. I like to believe that I've accepted that autism. With the help and support of his school, my wonderful husband, our incredible friends, and our community Kelson has made magnificent progress this year. But still, there have been many days in the last few months that I have felt completely defeated by my son's disorder. There are moments when it feels like autism is robbing me of my son. The pain that comes with those moments is intense and indescribable but even when I'm feeling defeated, I refuse to allow myself to feel hopeless. I won't give up. 

I should have taken Kelson to an autism specialist years ago but I was just too weak. I am terrified of the way that it hurts to talk about his condition, as if it means he is damaged. Today's 3+ hour visit hurt. It hurt so much more than I could have ever predicted. The doctor and his staff are wonderful, compassionate, and knowledgeable people but listening to the details of Kelson's disorder and how, if Kelson doesn't get more intensive treatment now, his autism symptoms will most definitely progress as he gets older, was the hardest thing I've ever had to sit through... I felt like a failure for not having sought help sooner. It had to be done. I owed this much to Kelson. 

In the most compassionate way, our doctor made sure that I am aware that, although we've developed a solid treatment and education plan that WILL help him cope and offer him the opportunity to live a happy healthy life... autism isn't going away... ever. I knew that but to hear the words out loud was unbearable. Time froze and I couldn't breath. 

Even though I am aware of the fact, hearing the words "There's no cure" from the doctor you're trusting with your baby, sounds like "We can't save him." That's all I could think as I sat there trying to breath again. We're getting more help but no one is coming to save Kelson from autism. That's a fact I'm going to have to come to terms with. I'm grateful and confident that we now have an entire team of doctors  and other professionals that are determined to help us. I will do whatever it takes to help my boy and I have faith that we're going to work it out. Today, I am just really sad. I'm going to let myself be sad today. Because I know that at this point in my life, I am the strongest I have ever been. I'm still working every day to be the mom he's deserves. I wont hate autism because it is a part of my boy but I will fight it tooth and nail to ensure that Kelson lives the life he deserves. It doesn't feel like it today, but I do know that everything will be ok. 

Autism Ain't Got Nothing On My Kind of Crazy

So… As I was sitting here, drinking my fourth cup of coffee, and trying to prioritize my lengthy list of things that I think I need to achieve today… I burst out in absolutely crazed laughter. Although insane and irrational, I thought I would share my (now) hilarious morning. 

Last night, I was angry at my husband. I stayed up until 2 am being mad. I was mad that he doesn’t “appreciate” me. He doesn’t appreciate the hours of work that I have put into our disgustingly organized and color-coded meal plans, budgets, and schedule. I was furious that he didn’t care about how I’ve tried to organize the housework so that I would get it all done and not be irritated when he wasn’t excited about spending his entire day off deep cleaning or food-prepping with me.

 Let’s get one thing straight, I’m a freaking crazy person with way too much time spent alone (or with very little adult interaction), thinking about ridiculous thing, making up problems. I’m aware of that. Sometimes I work on it, sometimes I just embrace the crazy. Today, I’m embracing the crazy. 

Since Eric obviously knew that I was angry, he let me sleep in this morning. I imagine he didn’t expect the reaction that he got. Wife fail. That’s all I can say. 

I woke up and looked at my phone. It was 8 am. I jumped out of bed, like I imagine spider monkeys jump from tree to tree in the jungle, and sprinted to Kelson’s bedroom. This morning was “Mom’s and Muffins” at school, and in a previous crazy outburst this week, I threw a huge fit and made a giant deal about his father driving 70 miles to be at “Dad’s and Donuts.” I lectured his father about priorities and how devastated Kelson would be if he didn’t have a dad there, if he couldn’t get a freaking donut. I have been accused of being dramatic a time or two in my life. This week has been a very dramatic week in the life of London for no apparent reason… just one of those weeks…. Today I’m just laughing and embracing the crazy. 

So anyways, Kelson was not in his room. I barked obscenities but basically, asked Eric where Kelson was. Naturally, being a good father and husband, Eric got Kelson dressed and on the bus this morning so that I could sleep in. Also naturally, he didn’t look at my highlighted, outlined detailed schedule that said I was to be at his school this morning for a stupid muffin at the book fair and a meeting with the special education teacher. I instantly burst out in completely ridiculous and over-dramatic tears. I sniffled (more like snorting tears but whatever), stomped, and raced about the house, trying to pull myself together and get to the school before class started because I was most certain that if I didn’t, Kelson would be forever traumatized. 

I jumped in the car, still screaming about everything that Eric has ever done wrong, and raced to the school. I was (and actually still am) a hot mess. Mascara and eyeliner smeared all over my face, yoga pants on backwards, greasy bed-head hair, dirty socks… it was bad. I drove like I was in a Nascar race to the elementary school. Right before I got there, I tried to pull it together. I wiped the tears away the best I could, licked my finger and rubbed the mascara streaks off my cheeks, and combed my bangs with my acrylic nails (like that really helped). I couldn’t possibly walk in the elementary school looking like the crazed woman that I was (or am). I burst into the kindergarten classroom and barked, “Where’s Kelson??”to his classmates. His little best friend told me that he was in the bathroom so I raced across the classroom and waited outside the bathroom. I tapped my foot, rolled my eyes, wanted to yell “Kelson! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?”

Finally, my sweet little boy came bouncing out of the bathroom. I growled at him,

“Come one! Let’s go get you that Lego book at the Book Fair!”

He was so surprised that I was there. He didn’t even notice that I was mad (at nothing) and he raced to find the book that I had promised we’d get. He has always been my rock. He has always kept me grounded. He seems to know when I am spiraling into insanity and always has the perfect way of bringing me back to reality. He found his book and a book he wanted to get for Kaylee and then looked at me and said, 

“Thanks for coming to get this for me. Kaylee will love this one. You’re a good mom. You love us a lot, huh mom?”

I nodded. We stood in line and Kelson ate his muffin. 

Success. 

I went and had my meeting with the special education teacher. This week, she and his kindergarten teacher have just told me how well he has been doing. More importantly, they have told me how much they genuinely love him. After so many hard years, it has been unexpectedly difficult to accept that others love my children without condition and these two women really, really do. I am so grateful but to prevent another teary breakdown, I am going to continue. 

So I came home. Eric was (rightfully) still angry and probably very confused. He left in his truck and is off doing whatever men do in the mountains when crazy women push them away. 

God. He makes me crazy. He and these damn wonderful kids make me really crazy. Eric makes me want to be a better mother, a better wife, a better friend. I make myself crazy trying to be all he deserves. I can’t do anything half-way but there is a hilarious irony in the fact that I have been so angry that he doesn’t understand how all my to-do lists, constant chores, and post-it notes everywhere are really my way of being better for him, Kelson, Kaylee, and Grant. 

When really, they just want me to be happy… and probably a little calmer. Ha.

So anyways, I was just sitting here laughing at myself. There is no deep, divine message for this blog. Just a funny story about my insane emotions and unrealistic expectations I hold for myself. I might not always be the greatest wife but, even though he is angry now, Eric really does love me like no one has ever loved me. I’m a blessed woman, to say the least. Life would really all be meaningless without the chaos of my beautifully imperfect family. 

I’m a crazy person sometimes. And that’s ok. 

Because I’m a good mom. 

Kelson said so.

 

Kaylee and I are going ditch today’s To-Do list and go bake treats for the rest of the day. 

Have a wonderful Thursday friends!