It has taken over a year and a daily conscious effort to rid my heart of the anger and hatred I feel towards autism. I like to believe that I've accepted that autism. With the help and support of his school, my wonderful husband, our incredible friends, and our community Kelson has made magnificent progress this year. But still, there have been many days in the last few months that I have felt completely defeated by my son's disorder. There are moments when it feels like autism is robbing me of my son. The pain that comes with those moments is intense and indescribable but even when I'm feeling defeated, I refuse to allow myself to feel hopeless. I won't give up.
I should have taken Kelson to an autism specialist years ago but I was just too weak. I am terrified of the way that it hurts to talk about his condition, as if it means he is damaged. Today's 3+ hour visit hurt. It hurt so much more than I could have ever predicted. The doctor and his staff are wonderful, compassionate, and knowledgeable people but listening to the details of Kelson's disorder and how, if Kelson doesn't get more intensive treatment now, his autism symptoms will most definitely progress as he gets older, was the hardest thing I've ever had to sit through... I felt like a failure for not having sought help sooner. It had to be done. I owed this much to Kelson.
In the most compassionate way, our doctor made sure that I am aware that, although we've developed a solid treatment and education plan that WILL help him cope and offer him the opportunity to live a happy healthy life... autism isn't going away... ever. I knew that but to hear the words out loud was unbearable. Time froze and I couldn't breath.
Even though I am aware of the fact, hearing the words "There's no cure" from the doctor you're trusting with your baby, sounds like "We can't save him." That's all I could think as I sat there trying to breath again. We're getting more help but no one is coming to save Kelson from autism. That's a fact I'm going to have to come to terms with. I'm grateful and confident that we now have an entire team of doctors and other professionals that are determined to help us. I will do whatever it takes to help my boy and I have faith that we're going to work it out. Today, I am just really sad. I'm going to let myself be sad today. Because I know that at this point in my life, I am the strongest I have ever been. I'm still working every day to be the mom he's deserves. I wont hate autism because it is a part of my boy but I will fight it tooth and nail to ensure that Kelson lives the life he deserves. It doesn't feel like it today, but I do know that everything will be ok.
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