F is for Family

Every mother cries on their child’s first day of Kindergarten. Not every mother is consumed by terror for months, spending countless sleepless nights worrying about their child’s experience in school. I can’t begin to describe the horror I felt when I imagined my sweet Kelson at school. 

I distinctly remember the moment that my fear for him in Kindergarten really hit me. We were at the carnival that the Search and Rescue puts on every year. I was pregnant with Grant. My feet were so swollen and my back ached but it was the first time in weeks that I had felt good enough to leave the house. We were having the best time on all of the rides. Kelson and Kaylee’s smiles took over their entire faces while their chuckling laughs barreled out of the twirling strawberry ride that Eric’s tireless arms spun around and around and around until I thought we’d fly right off the metal bars that were holding us down. The kids had been on almost every ride but there was one that they had been wanting to go on. I don’t remember which ride, I just remember that Kelson didn’t get the seat that he wanted on it. I stood paralyzed as my courageous husband climbed onto the ride to carry off my screaming boy. He was having one of his fits. I watched as Eric took him away from all the rides and let him sit in the dirt and throw his tantrum. Kelson rolled in the dirt, smacked himself in the face over and over, he kicked, he screamed, he cried… My heart breaks for him every time that he loses control of his emotions but this time it was different. I looked around at all of the people that stopped to stare at him. I could see them whispering and even making fun. I couldn’t control my tears as I walked over to my baby laying in the dirt. In that moment I was so envious of him. I was as angry as he was. I only wished that I could lay down in the dirt next to him, kick and scream out at the top of my lunges, “THIS ISN’T FAIR! HE DOES NOT DESERVE THIS! PPPPLLLLLEEEEEAAAAASSSSSEEEEE SOMEONE HELP MY BABY!” …but I couldn’t. As much as I wanted to grab the faces of all the people staring and whispering and tell them, “He can’t help it! Please don’t stare at him like he’s broken or whisper about how we should keep our child under control!” All I could do was hold Kaylee’s hand, listen to her tell me how unfair it is that we have to leave the carnival, and walk behind as Eric carried our kicking and screaming boy to the car.

The carnival was a particularly bad tantrum because, although he was having a blast, he became way too over stimulated but I remember, on our walk back to the car, thinking that Kindergarten is coming soon… and I don’t know if he can handle it. I cried and cried the days leading up to the first day of school. I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was how much he was going to hate sitting in a room full of other people all day.

The good news is that he doesn’t hate school. He doesn’t love going but he doesn’t kick and scream about it. He loves learning the sounds of letters and he loves writing them out. Today’s letter was F and he drew a picture of our family. There are no words in the world to describe the joy that little picture brought to my heart. 

(Left to Right) Kaylee, Kelson, Mommy, Eric, and baby Grant (who, BTW he absolutely adores!)

After everything; after all the years of struggling to find where we belong, Kelson, Kaylee and I are finally home with Eric and baby Grant. In ways the reality that some of the life moments that are cherished as precious memories by other families never will be enjoyed by Kelson still hurts my heart… but other families don’t have a boy like mine. Only I have been so blessed.